Unlocking a Bully...

Today was my children’s first day of the new school year. My son, Will, now a 7th grader (where has the time gone?) & my little, Briar, a 1st grader. Typically children are excited about the new school year, new supplies, backpacks, lunchboxes, clothes (in our case uniforms), new classroom and friends. I dropped my son off at our new Middle/High School building, he was full of excitement and first-day-jitters and happily bounced out of the car ready to greet his friends. I then drove my daughter, who was somewhat hesitant, to her campus. She asked me to please walk her in, of course… We saw her bff standing in line waiting for the doors to open, we cut the line to walk over to her. When we approached, her bff was standing next to the girl with whom Briar had been bullied by last year. Now I know the term “bully” is very loaded, I did not go public with our struggles with this certain child, well because frankly, I didn’t want the backlash and drama that I know follows these types of things. Unfortunately, for Briar, even after requesting that she and her friend be together this year, Briar had been placed in the other class. Her friend and the other child are now in the same class. As little girls are, the two of them were happy and giggling about being in the same classroom…. I encouraged Briar to join them, but after the year she had with the other girl, my daughter does not forgive or forget so easily. Being an adult, I do not expect her to forgive and forget when others have intentionally physically and emotionally hurt her. We do not ask adults to do this, and I feel it is unfair and unrealistic to teach our children that they “have to” get along with everyone. This is not reality. I do, however, tell my children that they have to respect people on a human level, treat others as you would like to be treated.

As Briar stood, inching closer and closer to me, I could feel a weeping sadness come over her. Tears slowly built in her eyes and then slowly ran down her cheeks. Her little friend came over and gently hugged her, looked up at me and said “why is she crying”… I quietly answered, “we can talk about it later” and smiled. I could feel the hurt in my little ones heart, she feels she is losing her friend, one of only 3 friends she has. See, Briar is very mature for her age when it comes to understanding complexities of social issues and she is very aware that the thinks differently than her peers. She finds it difficult to relate to others her own age and would prefer the company of children 6-10 years OLDER than she. With a very sad little girl and a heavy mama heart, I walked her into the building… while the red carpet was rolled out, employees threw confetti and music played to launch the first day of the year, I held the hand of my little girl while she watched her friend (who is light and fairy-like and would love nothing more than for everyone to love one another <3) and the bully skip to their classroom.

We arrived at her class and I walked her in, as I told her that I was going to get going, the tears tuned into a flood. Her new teacher walked calmly over, it took everything in me not to cry. I gave her a kiss, or maybe 4, and said “I love you, have a great day!”… Briar was holding fast to my leg, the teacher gently peeled her off. I began walking out of the building, breathing deeply… I knew that I had to hold it together until I reached my car. I waited at the cross walk, about ready to burst, finally crossed and walked quickly to my car. I got in and bawled. Words can not describe the pain in my heart watching my daughter feel left out, alone and sad. I called the school about mid-day to find out if she was doing OK, she was. Then cam pick up.

My husband and I picked her up and had to drive to get her brother. We asked about her day, trying to keep it light and avoid the morning happenings. My husband asked her, “did you meet any new friends”? Briar answered, “no”. I asked, “ why don’t you want any new friends? Surely there is someone you’d like to get to know…” and she answered

“No, mom, I do not want any new friends because I am afraid that I will ‘UNLOCK A BULLY’”

She went on to explain that there are “two types of people, bullies and not bullies. When you first meet someone you don’t know what they are. You have to get to know them, and that is what happens… you either unlock a nice person who wants to be your friend, or you unlock a bully. That is what happened last year, I was nice to (the girl who bullied her) at first, then she slapped me for no reason. So, I unlocked a bully. I do not want to try to have new friends because I do not want to unlock another bully.”

We explained to her that life is about taking chances, that you don’t know unless you try. Yet, she is holding to her belief that she is not ready to “unlock” another bully. I have really had to think about her metaphor, and for a 6-year-old, I think that it is pretty damn good. I think that is why many of us, as we age, decided that we have just enough friends. We never know if we will unlock a bully.

Returning to Life

The last blog I wrote was in April of 2017; at that time, little did I know, that I would only have 4 months left with my father. My hero, my best friend, my biggest cheerleader and number one supporter in everything I did (even if he didn’t really agree). 100% HONESTY, it has taken me until this week to really feel confident and connected to life again. I don’t know if this process was “normal” and I am aware that the grief process is NOT linear in the least. The past 24 months has been like watching a movie, I see it happening, I know life is going on around me, but all I do is watch. I have taken time to engage with friends, yet leave conversations thinking, “did I really contribute to that? What did I say, why am I not feeling, well anything?” I have days where anger and rage get the best of me, and sadly my kids suffer. I have days where all I do is cry, I mean cry, like the ugly, snot ridden cry. My husband started a new job in April 2018 and he has been traveling weekly, I am thankful he is not here to see me fall apart on a daily basis. My heart literally hurts, I get short of breath, I feel like I am going to mentally break; yet something stops me from falling off that cliff.

I started hiking in November of 2017, at first my husband wanted me to mountain bike with him, I tried… not for me. So, I told him, you ride, I’ll hike. When I started it literally was one foot in front of the other… I wasn’t overweight, but I wasn’t in good cardio vascular shape either. I started small, 3 miles at a time. I took my dogs just so I would have someone to be with. I created a playlist, with one earbud in and one out (just so I can hear what is going on around me) I started. I gained a bit of confidence little by little. Then after a few weeks I decided to get really adventurous, I was going to conquer a 5 mile trail that had a 547 ft gain. Was it the hardest trail that I could do? No. But, I knew I needed to start somewhere. I was with one of my dogs, Owen, and we started. As we began to ascend I could feel my lungs burning, I was breathing deeper and my legs were starting to burn as well. About half way up I was out of breath, it was warm, my legs and feet hurt and I had tears in my eyes. Then something hit me… if my Dad could get out of bed every day to go to chemo, radiation, IV fluids and other meds, then surly I could get my ass up a hill! That is when my healing began. So, I hiked, 3-4 times a week, with one or both dogs; I learned the trail system near my house. I mapped out ways to make the journey more challenging, longer, more elevation gain. I even did a trailhead to trailhead, which was 8 miles of constant up and down.

I live in Arizona, so hiking in the summer proves to be a challenge. I found Orangetheory Fitness to help keep my in shape and ready for hiking season. The workouts are tough, but the same thought process goes through my head. My dad fought everyday to LIVE and ultimately he lost that battle. I have nothing to complain about, I am healthy, I can chose to show up or to stay hidden. The past week I have been faced with a lot of things to think about. I have had to return to life and make choices. I am finally feeling like I can function again; I may not be at 100% but I am almost there.

Choosing to be Grateful

I always find it funny when I begin to write for this blog; I am a very organized person, I have a whole calendar set up with topics for what to blog about... typically I stick with those topics.  Then there are days like today, I had 90 mins to kill before meeting a dear friend for a much overdue lunch; I decided to stop at a nearby Starbucks to grab a cold brew (try the coconut one, it is awesome- and 50 cals!) and sit and start my blog, go over a few other things that need my attention and write my WAY overdue newsletter (I am getting that out this weekend, sorry for those that subscribe... life happens and it has been happening a lot recently).  I grabbed my coffee, sat down with all of my electronics and began listening to the women sitting next to me,  then I tuned into the group of girls that were across from me... now I am not eavesdropping, I like to hear what people talk about, I find the human mind fascinating.   The good, the bad and the ugly... it all is interesting to me.  I question a lot of things, why do people act/do the things they do?  What caused them to become who they are?  Nurture? Nature? Can someone be so hurt by life and the circumstances they are dealt that their personality changes?  It ALL intrigues me.  

As I sit here, in a Starbucks in Cave Creek, Arizona I can not help but try to understand WHY our of the 5 groups of people here, in every single one there is a person COMPLAINING.  Complaining about things that I am sure are HUGE to them... and while listening to them complain about their job, the fact that they have to go to college, that they have a car that is in the shop, that they have to drive 40 mins to get their kids to activities, that they had to pay $2,000 to fix a problem at their house, that they don't have enough time to make it to get their nails done; the list goes on and on.  I have only been here for 30 minutes and I have heard all this and more... In my mind I keep thinking how there is someone, somewhere, that would LOVE to have these "problems".  Someone that would love to be able to afford to just get coffee at Starbucks; someone who would LOVE to have a job, no matter how terrible; someone that would love to have car issues, simply because they have a car!  Someone that would give their right arm to HAVE kids to run to activities.  At what point do you look at life and become GRATEFUL for the (perceived) struggles, issues, problems?  What does it take to "wake up" (for lack of a better term)?  

We have all had hard times, we all have struggles, issues and problems... I have had my share as well.  The change for me came when my father had a quadruple bypass two years ago.  It was totally unexpected, he was in the hospital for 16 days, 2 of which he was kept sedated because after discovering he had 4 major blockages, the doctors also discovered he had kidney disease, heart disease, COPD and had a minor stroke.  That was when I learned that you need to take a step back and really look at the circumstances that you are complaining about.  How can you turn the troubled moments in your life into a something positive?  It has taken me awhile, but I have learned quickly to be grateful for the challenges, struggles, issues and problems in my life.  I can honestly say that I can look at any situation I have been in and see the "silver lining".  I know that this may drive some people crazy... do I get down?  Yes!  Do I get mad?  Yes!  Do I ask the powers that be "why"?  YES!  But my "whys" from the energy of "why me? why now?" has turned into "why? what is my lesson, what am I learning? how will this impact my life?"  Is it worth sitting in a Starbucks complaining that your car is in the shop? Or that you have to take your kids to activities? Or that you hate what is happening at your job?  Guess what!  YOU have the POWER to CHANGE your LIFE!  YOU can start looking for the silver lining... YOU can turn the way you perceive things around... really you can!  

One of my mentors said during a class "Life is happening FOR you NOT TO you!"  That saying has stuck with my for years.  Every time I find myself slipping into old thought patterns, the "why me? what did I do?" syndrome, I quickly remind myself this is FOR me.  My list of struggles is no different that other peoples.... beginning at a early age (10 years old) I was bullied for 4 years because of my weight, now they would call it "body shaming" and yes, it has affected my adult life and my relationships over the years.  I have been in a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, I have had relationship issues with relatives, I have been cheated on by my first husband, I have been divorced, been a single mom, had my car repossessed, been given notice of eviction, been in an abusive work place, had trouble conceiving... I suffered from anxiety (and now have had that under control).  I have watched my father in the last few months battle cancer... I have my stories too.  I have made the conscience decision to find the lessons and be grateful for ALL OF IT.  It all happened FOR me; I am stronger, wiser, calmer and am able to help others move though the difficult times in their lives.  

I am always eternally grateful for the lessons I learn from each challenge in my life.  So, my question to you.... are you ready to turn your thoughts around?  

As Always, Love & Light...

Kendra

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Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,

On January 10, 2017 your name was mentioned by a GI doctor that had performed an endoscopy on my father.  There was a tumor in the lower part of his esophagus that appeared to be you living off my father.  January 11, 2107, cancer you became (an unwanted) part of my family... you had been making your presence known since October, making it difficult for my father to swallow and causing weight loss that seemed uncontrollable.  I watched helplessly as my father suffered from your grips, not knowing what was happening to his body.  Sadly, I knew.  There was a moment in December when my father was standing in my kitchen that a feeling came over me... a feeling that I have never felt before.  A feeling of dread, dark, hopelessness; I knew that things were bad, but I didn't know how to articulate it.  

On January 15, again your name "cancer" was spoken, this time during my son's gymnastics competition. My father had a letter from the CT scan facility that stated that he had "suspicious" spots on his liver.  The report indicated that not only had you invaded the lower third of his esophagus, but now there was a possibility that you had spread to his liver.  Two weeks later, after a PET scan it was again confirmed, you had invaded his liver as well.  During the two weeks of doctors appointments, tests, scans and blood work you began to make my father even sicker.  He was in excruciating  pain, constantly nauseas, unable to eat, weak and confused.  The oncologist continued to give him pain meds to try, nausea meds to try... I was in survival mode at this point.  I was not eating or sleeping, I was desperate to find what was going to heal my dad.

It has now been 10 weeks since you have descended on my family.  In those 10 weeks, cancer, you have taken SO much from me.  As I type I do not even know where to begin... you have taken away the man I know.  My hero, my best friend, the person that has been my rock though the darkest times of my life.  You took that person away, he now has days where he is hardly conscious, days where the chemo, the poison that is given to fight you off, to contain you, makes him so sick all he can do is lay down and pray that the nausea will go away.  You have caused me to feel a sense of desperation, a feeling that I do not wish on anyone.  The feeling that all I wanted was to RIP you OUT of my father; to make him healthy and happy again.  You have taken restful sleep away from me; hours and hours of 2AM, 3AM researching how to help my dad, what will help my dad, how will we beat you, cancer?  And believe me, we will.  Nights where I continue to get up and check on my father to make sure that he is OK, not throwing up; that he is still breathing.  

Cancer, you have caused me time with my children; I want to play, I want to draw, instead I am making food to push though his feeding tube; I am researching the best food to fight you off, to KILL you.  You have taken away time with my amazing supportive husband; the man who chose me to be his wife, the man that took over being a father to my son.  My husband who helplessly watches me pace, cry, scream... rage.... Cancer, you have taken away my TRUST in doctors; men and women that devoted their educational career to HELP people, now I am not so sure, I question everything they recommend, I second guess if they are really trying to help? or are they being bought by pharmaceutical companies to keep giving my dad drugs to "help" him?  You have taken my father's time away from MY CHILDREN, and that, cancer, PISSES me off to a level that I do not even have words for!  He is not able to interact with them the way he once did.  All my daughter wants if for her Papa to be able to do "high in the sky" again... and I don't know when or IF that will ever be.  My son wants his Papa to go play games at Dave and Busters, to ride the rides at Castles and Coaster, but my dad is too weak because of YOU, to spend those moments with my son. 

Cancer, you have awakened a hatred in me that I never thought I was capable of.  Levels of rage and anger that I have never known.  However, with all that you take, you have also GIVEN me so much. You have given me knowledge that I never knew I was capable of.  I have learned so much about you, what you do, what you love (sugar), how you grow... and with that knowledge I have vowed to dedicate my life's  work to helping others with cancer through holistic diet and the healing powers of cannabis oil.  I have learned how our bodies work, why diet and nutrition is the building block to a healthy life.  I have learned how to take a body that was totally acidic and alkalize it so that you can not grow or spread.  I have learned about how marijuana is a miracle plant and how decades ago it was demonized for no reason other than ONE man's personal gain.  I have learned how powerful thoughts are, how they can heal our own bodies if we truly believe that the healing is possible.  I have learned that I was giving this amazing gift of intuition... a gift that I have been able to use throughout my fathers treatment to guide him in the right direction; not always listening to the medical doctors... while I respect and appreciate them for what they do the truth is medicine is a guessing game and the sick are the tests subjects.  

Cancer, you have taught me to live IN the moment; I have always been a "planner"... days, weeks, months planned out day by day, it made me feel "in control"- I now know that control is an illusion.  We have no control of what strikes us, we must live in the moment, to panic about what COULD be is a waste of precious time and energy.  To dwell on what WAS is also a waste... there is nothing we can do but move forward and learn from our past.  Right here, right now, that is all we have.  Even as I sit in this hospital, typing while my father lays in the bed, his body tired from treatment, from countless amounts of drugs to help control the pain, pain that YOU have caused; I know that in this moment I am creating something, I am consciously creating a reality where YOU will have NO PART in our future.  

But the BIGGEST lesson you have taught me cancer?  You have taught me about LOVE.  The amount of love that I have for my father... for my mother, who, despite my parents being divorced, has been nothing but helpful along this whole path... for my brother, the love that he and I share for both our parents, and even for each other.  We don't always see eye to eye on things, but one thing is for sure, the love we have for our father, our hero, our best friend is unwavering.  Our family my not be conventional, but the love that the 4 of us share is undeniable.  Cancer, you have taught me how to appreciate each and every day I have with my children, my husband, my extended family and my amazing friends.  You have shown me that no matter what, there are people in my life that will stop their lives just to listen to me vent, rage, cry.... those that have no problem rearranging their schedules to help with my children.  You have taught me that there is good in this world... there are beautiful souls that appear just when you need them.  You have also taught me how to rely on myself... that no matter how broken I feel, no matter the desperation, I am strong enough to handle everything you can throw at me.  

So, cancer, you have brought a lot of words & emotions into my life that I did not know, did not comprehend, did not want to experience... but I KNOW that THIS journey will have its reason.  I just want to be clear on ONE thing.... soon, you will be GONE from our lives.... my father will FIGHT you, I will stand behind him and aide in his fight... and I am NOT the only one.  There is an ARMY of people that have my father's back.  You do not stand a chance... I will take this time to "thank you" for the lessons you have taught me, for the emotions that you have made me face... I will say "thank you" now, because soon you will no longer be around.  And I don't expect to see you again...

~Kendra Elizabeth Laguna

The Struggle to Stay Present

As I continue this cancer journey with my dad I am being given lessons that I need.  I still find it ironic that one of the WORST diseases that can happen to a person, somehow turns into the biggest life lessons one can have.  Recently the word "mindfulness" has become mainstream, as has "staying present", "being centered", "meditation"... there are more and more people that realize that life can be more enjoyable if they just SLOW DOWN and allow the flow of life to happen, instead of fighting against the natural current.  I am not saying that we should all "lay down" and not fight for things; but consistently trying to "figure out" what will happen next is exhausting and futile.  The illusion that we somehow have control over situations, illness, outcomes sets us up for disappointment, the feeling of failure and a lot of unneeded anxiety.  

Last Monday I knew there was something very wrong with my father.  He was slurring his speech, his eyes were not focusing and appeared foggy. When we got to his oncologist for IV fluids and his iron infusion his blood pressure was 90/60... not too terrible, but still not good.  The nurses gave him his fluids and after a 2 hour infusion his blood pressure should have gone up, it didn't.  The last read was 75/49.  I told the nurse that I was "not comfortable" taking him home with blood pressure that low, she agreed, phoned the doctor and I was advised to take my father to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.  As we drove, which is only 15 minutes, his symptoms became worse.  He was speaking nonsense, was unaware of his surroundings and he was becoming agitated.  I arrived at the ER, took him in and they did his vitals... low blood pressure & very low heart rate.  The intake nurse took him back immediately.  

Normally, I am the MASTER at panicking .... I was one of those people that would jump into the future, expecting the worst, and would work myself into the biggest panic attacks.  So much so that in my early 20's I was prescribed Paxil to help "calm" my anxiety.  Not this time... as the nurses and doctors came in and out of the room we were in, I made a promise to myself that I would STAY PRESENT.  But, I have never committed to doing that before, so what did it really mean?  The ER is a busy place, doctors, nurses, hospital staff, patients, visitors all in a state of urgency; and rightfully so.  I sat next to my father, held his hand and asked to just "be". I told myself that I would ask questions and really listen to answers; I would not allow my mind to drift into the future and "guess" what was going on with my father.  I knew deep down that he was OK, just dehydrated and had too many drugs in his system.  When the doctor told me that a head CT was needed, panic set in for a moment.  What if the cancer has spread to his brain?  Would he ever be "himself" again?   I told myself that it was routine (which I confirmed with his Dr) and I would not react until there was a need to react.

After hours of tests, deciding to admit him for further test and monitoring, I was aware that I stayed present during everything.  I did not panic, I did not play the "what if" game; I just was.  Even with others and outside influences of their energy I remained calm.  This was a HUGE lesson for me and I was so proud of myself for making the choice and sticking to it.  Not knowing what was going on with my father was very stressful; yet the decision to just be present with what was going on around me was a blessing.  I now know that I am capable of staying present even in the most stressful situations.  The outcome was as I suspected, dehydrated and too many dugs for his system to filter.  I understand that this was ONE situation, however, I now understand that I have the tools to avoid a lot of undue stress and anxiety.  Control has always been a struggle for me, ask my parents and brother, but every situation that has been tethered to this cancer journey has taught me how to stay present, even if it is a struggle.  

A very wise person once said to me "the only things you can control are your mouth and your muscles,".... she was right.  I can control what I say and how I react to things.  That is all.  Learning to TRUST that life is happening FOR me and not TO me is one of the greatest lessons to learn.  

Channeling Emotions

The past two weeks has been one of severe ups and downs.  I have watched my father, the strongest, happiest man that I know, deteriorate into someone who needs help moving, getting in and out of the car; a man that sleeps 20 hours a day, doesn't drink or eat on his own.  When my family and I first made the decision that I would quit my full time job and stay home to be my father's full time caregiver I was happy, determined, full of optimism.  Please don't think that I am not still all of those things, however, reality hit... hard... when he had his g-tube (feeding tube) and meta port (where chemo is administered) placed a little over a week ago.  At first I was excited that my dad would be getting a feeding tube, that we would be able to give him the nutrition that his body was desperately needing.  The first day I had to use it to feed him was surreal.  Here I was, a 37 year old woman, blending food and sucking it up in a giant syringe and feeding my father; oh how the roles have reversed.  Emotionally I was OK with this part of his care, at first.  I have had to learn how to become two different people, something that DOES NOT come natural to me.  I have always prided myself on the fact that I am not fake, I am not a person that puts on a different "hat" (so to speak) when dealing with situations, people or life in general.  I am always "Kendra".  

This time things are vastly different... I am learning how to channel my emotions.  I have been desperate, frustrated, angry, scared, sad... on the flip side, when I see progress, even when it is just my dad being awake an extra hour, I am hopeful, happy, optimistic.  I know the kind of person that I am, I am a knowledge driven, fact finding, result wanting person.  I have channeled my emotions the past few weeks to educate myself on all things related to esophageal and liver cancer.  I have dedicated myself to researching, asking, finding, digging up research, reading articles, reports, medical journals... I have joined Facebook groups to educate myself on what I can do as my father's caregiver to improve his chances of beating this.  I have taken all the anger, frustration and make the decision to transform it into something productive.  This is the only way I know how to be.  

This is the mindset that I was talking about in my last January blog.... perspective and mindset play such a huge role, not only for the patient, but for the caregiver as well.  

Be well.... until next time.

Kendra

What's Your Mindset?

I spent many years thinking negative thoughts... I was never smart enough, good enough, skinny enough.  I never had enough time, money, energy... In 2008 my marriage, of only 18 months, was over; I had moved to Arizona with my 14-month-old son, had no job, was borrowing my brothers car, lived with my parents.  I was in a very very low place; it was suggested to me that I read "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.  It was after reading and really allowing myself to take each day and apply what the book taught me that I began to see how my thoughts were creating my reality.

New Years Day was filled with possibilities, my thoughts were positive, THIS was the year that I would be my own boss, THIS was the year that I would make time for the things I love (spending time with family, hiking, camping, horses).  Then January 11, 2017 my world came to a halt.  My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer.  While watching my two children during their gymnastics class my father called me that the test had come back positive for adenocarcinoma.  The world stopped for a moment, things were in slow motion.  I had no reaction, maybe I shed a few tears.  We are now in a battle for his health, for his life.  This is my reality, right now, I am sitting in a Cancer Research Clinic in Glendale, AZ while my father is hooked to an IV for fluids that his body needs.  My thoughts are remaining positive.  Positive that this cancer will be healed, positive that this will be a story with a happy ending that we will be able to talk about for years to come.  I listen to the other patients here, most are cautiously optimistic.  I keep thinking about the lessons in Louise Hay's book... positive affirmations, knowing that my thoughts create my reality.  This time I am really being put to the test.... 

It would be so easy to fall into the negatives of cancer; Hell, even telling people he has cancer they react with sadness and the idea that this is a death sentence.  Guess what!?  It is not.  I believe that anything is possible.  I believe that mindset is paramount to any battle, be it mental or psychical. We are choosing positivity, we are using visualization, energy healing and other techniques to keep pain under control.  Your mind is a POWERFUL thing.... when you begin to shift your way of thinking amazing things begin to happen!

Nature Speaks

Every New Years Day I hike to Buddha Beach along Oak Creek in Sedona; every New Years Day I build a cairn (stack of rocks) to set my intentions for the year.  I have been doing this since 2009; typically every year is similar.  The weather varies, but I live in Arizona, our weather is pretty predictable... usually sunny, maybe a few clouds and mild during this time of year.  After all, that is why people move here, right?  My family tradition is the same routine every year as well (if you know my husband, you know that he is a creature of habit and altering the tradition proves nerve racking for him), we stop at Starbucks, we drive to Sedona, we go to Crescent Moon Park, park and hike the mile (ish) back to Buddha Beach where all of us, our children included, build our cairn for the year.  We then leave and have lunch at Oak Creek Brewery, walk around the art galleries, then head to town to visit our favorite psychic and crystal shops.

There have been only 2 years where this plan was altered... 2015 and this year, 2017.  Interestingly, 2015 was a huge year of change for our family.  I left my teaching job to pursue following my soul purpose of helping others.  I took a job working with highly creative and open people, people who understood me and the gifts that I have.  New Years Day 2015 Sedona was covered in about 4 inches of snow!  We drove to Crescent Moon Park and were unable to get in, we had to wait  for the snow plow to clear the parking lot.  It was going to take about 2 hours for that to happen, so we did a reverse New Years Day.  Shopping and lunch first, then the hike to Buddha Beach.  Every year I chose a word to represent my year, in 2015 it was "CHANGE"... and change it did!  2015 brought so many messages, lessons and insights.

This year, again we were surprised by our time at Crescent Moon Park.  December 31st it rained ALL DAY in Arizona; something that does not happen often.  North Phoenix reaching all the way to Flagstaff was pounded by rain and snow.  When we arrived at the park the rain had finally tapered off, the clouds began to break; it was cold (about 45*) but we were determined to make our hike and build our cairns.  About a quarter of the way back we were met by a raging Oak Creek, water flowing with power that I have never seen in the 9 years that I have been going there.  Of course I took this as a sign... a sign that 2017 was not going to be a typical year for me, for us, yet again.  My word for 2017 came to me in two words.... "INDEPENDENCE" & "ABUNDANCE".  Here I was, standing in a canyon, along Oak Creek and saw my words in action!  I took a few moments to walk to the creek edge, sit on a red rock, quiet my mind and listen to what the lesson was.  Right in front of me the current was creating a whirlpool; debris was rushing along with the current, twisting and turning in whirlpool, then effortlessly continuing on its way down stream.  Each stick, flower, reed, etc... was alone, independent of all other debris, did it get caught in the whirlpool?  Yes, yet, somehow it continued along the path after being spun around for a bit.  Independent of everything, taken off path for a fleeting moment, yet able, with the abundance of water, to right its course and go with the flow of the powerful current.  The abundance of water, flowing everywhere!  Blocking our path back to Buddha Beach, flowing over the red rocks; yet creating the most beautiful sounds and sights!

This was very symbolic to me... I connected with that debris, I have been traveling along MY path, independent of so many things... I have been stuck in my fair share of whirlpools and 2016 felt like one toward the end.  I was comforted watching the debris break free of the whirlpool and continue on the "right path"... flowing with current of life.  This is what I feel 2017 will be for me, for my family.  I learned a lot from those few minutes next to Oak Creek.  In life there will be flow, there will be whirlpools; we just need to ride them out and allow nature/ the universe to guide up back to the current (path) we were meant to be on.  

unfriend. unfollow. unsubscribe.

Thank you for checking our my blog, I appreciate the time you are taking to read this and hope that I can help with some insight that I have been dealing with recently.  TOXIC people.  Since my last blog post (almost a month ago... sorry I am really trying to get better at writing!) there have been a solid 4 weeks, YES WEEKS!  Where I have dealt with rumors, slander, name calling, controlling and simply put, toxic people.

I had a whole plan on the topics I was going to cover until the years end, however, the universe had other plans and I was placed in situations where I had lessons that needed to be learned.  Lessons that needed to be observed by me and then handled in the only way that I know how, energetically... though meditation, yoga, breathing and lots of research!  I have used every lesson in the past four weeks to research, read, listen to lectures, create my own thoughts and ideas about TOXIC people and how to identify them, how they make you feel, what you really deserve, how to deal with them and finally how to rid yourself of toxic people for good (if you so choose).  The mantra that stood out for me as I was developing this idea/program was "unfriend.  unfollow.  unsubscribe."  

There will come a time when you have to decide that happiness is what you want in life.  You can not expect to be happy when negative, toxic people are around you.  You will need to "unfriend" them, and not just in the social media world (although that is an excellent first step).  You need to physically and emotionally detach from that person; this may prove difficult depending on WHAT TYPE of toxic person they are.  Next you will need to "unfollow", getting comfortable with not knowing what they are doing, saying, feeling.  The wants and needs of your toxic person is no longer your concern.  This can (and does) take time, those of us that are eternally optimistic will HOPE that the toxic person has changed over time; typically this is not the case.  Finally, you will decide to completely "unsubscribe" to the toxic persons energy all together.  They will always be a part of your journey, however, you learn that you can wish them well and love/care about  them from a distance.  Thus, disconnecting from them totally.

Toxic people are everywhere.  I have broken them down into 5 "types"... for more information please sign up for my monthly newsletter.  The month of October we will focus on the 5 types of toxic people and how to deal with them in a manner that will lead to creating the life that you want.  Attracting those around you that are of the same vibration; those that chose happiness above anything else.  Those that stay positive even when the trail is blocked with life's boulders.

Just simply click on "Newsletter" and fill out the subscription form to be added to my list!  

Remember, toxic people only want the control they can't have!  They will act out to get "their" way.  It is not about anyone other than them.  

Taking a Time Out

I am a mom of two wonderful, amazing, funny, sassy, intelligent, typically well behaved, active, exhausting children.  I said it, they exhaust me; not all the time, about half the time.   Finding time for ME has ALWAYS been a challenge, The guilt I feel for taking time away from my children so that I can go to the spa, go hiking with a friend, a trip with my husband or just a quiet night alone is something that I still deal with.  Putting myself first remains something that I have to write into my calendar.  A lot of wives and mothers have a knack for that, I am not one of them.  Even as I sit here writing this, I am wearing noise canceling headphones, which need to be retested because I can still hear my 3-year-old yelling and banging on the door,  she needs my attention because of a multitude of reasons... right now it is because her arm itches; and there is NO WAY that her father (who is currently reading his iPad) could handle putting on her anti-itch cream.  In her world he is NOT equipped to handle such dangerous activity.

 I have always been a person that has wanted to help others.  Whether it be volunteering (even though I had a full time job) to make snacks for the classroom, volunteering to feed the homeless, helping a friend move, working extra hours (unpaid) at the schools where I have taught, to allow other parents to have a "parents night out", paint a new school building, paint a mural in the new school classrooms, help another teacher set up a room, create a school float for a parade... the list goes on and on and on.  It wasn't until about a year ago when I really made the effort to take time out for myself.  

My father had a quadruple bypass on April Fool's Day 2015.  He was in the hospital for 16 days.  Upon his return home (he lives with my family when he is not on the road) he needed full time care.  A private nurse was very costly; I was teaching Kindergarten at the time.  Thankfully, my former boss understood my commitment to family and allowed me to take the month of April off to care for my father; getting him to all of his appointments and helping him recover as needed at home.  It was during that month that I took a HUGE step back.  I was able to rediscover what made me, well, me.  I started feeling better and better about who I was and what I needed to do to make ME happy.  As I said above, "Self Care, Self Love and Me Time" are still something that I have to schedule.  I have a family, kids, a career... but, if I don't fill up, recharge, center and find my happy place every few weeks, I am of no use to anyone.  I found that caring for my father helped me recharge, talking to friends in need helps me recharge, connecting with deceased loved ones for friends and strangers alike feeds my soul.   I schedule my "Time Out's" every month... it is imperative to the work that I do and want to do.

This month is all about Self Love & Care.  Please join me on Facebook in a private group to grow and expand on how to make time FOR YOU!  It is so important, both mentally, physically and spiritually.  Join us here... https://www.facebook.com/groups/1777699612510573/ 

Also, if you have not already, please subscribe to my monthly #embracethejourney Newsletter.  Every month there will be specials, give-a-ways and topics that may resonate with you. 

Thank you for taking a moment to read my blog.... 

With Love & Light,

Kendra

What Defines a Person

A few weekends ago I overheard a conversation between two women.  Woman #1 was speaking about her significant other.  Woman #2 was listening.  Woman #1 made the comment "really, who would want him anyway?  With all the issues he has?"  Woman #2 did not respond, you could tell this made her uncomfortable and she politely excused herself.  The comment that Woman #1 made haunted me for several days.  How do you speak about someone that you are supposed to care about and love like that?  As if the significant other was only made up of his "issues", as she put it.   

A few things were triggered after witnessing that exchange...

1.  I began to wonder if woman #1 was aware of her surroundings?  Did she know WHO was listening to her?  Did she care?  

2.  I wondered, if she could say that to someone, what does she say to the person that she is speaking about?  Does she make him feel like because of his "issues" he can't do any better?

3. I dug deeper, I wondered what kind of person makes that kind of comment?  Was SHE settling for him because she couldn't do any better?

4.  What had woman #1 gone though in life to make her believe that someone's circumstances define WHO they are?

I have been thinking about this for a little more than a week now.  What defines a person?  Some would have you believe it is how successful they are, what material possessions they have, how healthy they are both physically and mentally... Others believe that it is how you treat others.  How you treat animals, the environment...etc.  I think it is time that we all look to see HOW we define ourselves.  The negative self talk, the "I'm not good enough", the lack of self care and self love needs to change.  What others think of us does not define WHO we are.  Your "issues" or circumstances DO NOT define WHO you are.  

Are you ready to redefine yourself?  The way you think about yourself?  Subscribe to my September Newsletter, join me and others for the 30 day September Self Love Transformation! 

Here I Go.....

I am going to be totally honest, I am shaking as I write this first blog post.  For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to HELP others... but here is the thing, I am a total introverted extrovert!  I hate being the center of attention, I hate having the spotlight on me.  Even during my (first) wedding, I was hesitant to walk down the aisle because I knew that everyone would be looking at me.  Over the past 8 years I have grown, I embarked on a journey after my marriage fell apart, to this place now.  A place where I have discovered my true passion... helping others walk though difficult life situations and issues.

So, here I am, launching a website, putting myself WAY out there... for (hopefully) the world to see.  Parts of me, well the communicating with spirit part, that I have hidden for years, all now out there for people to see, to judge (you and I know they will), to comment on.  Lets go back to the judging part... the words "judge" and "acceptance" are two of MY biggest fears.  My goal is to create a space for people where they can be themselves, a place where I will listen and guide when needed.  I am here to help though it all!  I've walked though divorce, body image issues, losing people as friends that I thought were my TRUE friends, career issues, feeling different and not honoring myself and more.

Here I go... stepping into my passion, my true purpose.... #embracingthejourney!

If you are ready to get back on your path or find a new path LET'S GET HIKING!